Cool-less

Does anyone know where I can buy some cool? Has anyone bottled that certain “Je ne sais quoi” that allows some people to own any room that is graced with their presence? As for me, I am totally cool-less, and often consider myself lucky to get through the door let alone into the room.

Yesterday I went to Barnes and Noble to buy a book and have a cup of coffee in the café. In the middle of the room was a woman with three screaming kids, totally out of control, yet she sat there and was “cool”, dressed in shabby chic and talking on her cell phone. Totally self absorbed, oblivious to everything around her, she completely ignored her whiny brats simultaneously reading a book and talking on the phone. It must be wonderful to be her.

To avoid the lil darlins’, I walked around the corner to Panera Bread hoping to drink my coffee in peace. As I walked in, I spotted a young man sitting in an easy chair facing the door. He looked totally cool, and looked exactly like a younger version of Jim, one of the “cool” members of my high school class. He was wearing designer jeans, a 5:00 shadow, properly messed up hair, and working his Blackberry with an air of superiority that reminded me even more of Jim. Why wasn’t I surprised when Jim, who I haven’t seen in 36 years, came up and sat next to him. Like father like son. They are media types, and acted accordingly. Nobody is cooler than those in the "meedchyu". Jim looked at me. I said hello, but wasn’t acknowledged. Cool-less.

After buying my coffee, I found a table at which to sit and enjoy my cup of java. To the right of me were some 20 somethings vigorously working on their laptops utilizing the restaurant’s wi-fi capability. Behind me were some more 20 somethings talking about their trips to Hawaii, their promotions, and using the word “awesome” ad nauseum. They were cool, confident, and arrogant. They not only owned the room, but the world. It was all about them. On the best day of my life I never exuded that type of confidence and coolness. I am cool-less.

I am a middle aged, overweight guy who doesn’t jog 3 miles each day while listening to my I-pod, or visit the gym with a personal trainer. I sing in a choir (not cool), who sings 1940's Fred Waring choral music (even less cool....Fred who?), who is Republican (definitely not cool, especially after the last election), who thinks Starbuck's coffee tastes like sludge (not cool AND no taste), and who is just as happy to go to Bob Evans on Friday night as to hit the bars because I am too darn tired to do much of anything else (totally cool-less), and thoroughly enjoy all of it (terminally uncool…get the paramedics).

Of course, a friend of mine, when discussing how a piece of choral music should sound, admitted to a group of us that last Saturday he went to bed early, sat under his electric shawl, and watched Lawrence Welk. We all joked and told him he needed to get a life. I couldn’t laugh too hard, though. I was home in bed also, watching the same program. How cool, or cool-less, is that?