Am I a Senior?

I took my car to Big Jim’s the other day for a wash and wax. Big Jim’s has been a fixture on Route 224 for years and years, and the people who Big Jim’s employs have worked there just as long. I got my formica card showing the type of wash I was getting; watched the carpet guys clean the mats and vacuum the floor, then went to pay my 12 bucks. I handed my car wash card to the cashier, and she asked, “Are you a senior?”

I was taken aback. Something was askew. I’m not a senior. I don’t look like a senior. I don’t think like a senior…well…maybe. I feel like a senior!!!! But as Fernando said on Saturday Night Live years ago, it’s not how you feel,it’s how you look, and I look maahhhvelous!!! Maybe not marvelous!! Those bags under my raccoon eyes are a little disturbing.

I asked her to define senior. “Are you 60?” she asked. No, I am 59…six months to go. “That’s okay, honey, I will give it to you anyway.” She replied. A reprieve!!!!! Such a deal!!! Not sixty, but I still get the discount!!!! What more can you ask out of life?

I know. I know. My friends keep telling me that sixty is the new forty. Then what is seventy? Let’s face it. You can spin any way you want, sixty is sixty!!!! No getting around it!

Notwithstanding, I have been taking advantage of senior discounts for the last four years. My son cringes when I order something off of the “Over 55” menu at Perkins. And of course I belong to AARP. I have to keep up my senior representation. And I am counting the days to Medicare, then my wife, who is two years younger me, can retire. Who wants to pay for health care insurance? Of course, she has to keep working until I am 83, as I have grown accustomed to the better things in life!!

One thing I know for sure. When my grandparents were in their sixties, they were old. My grandmother had a whole closet full of house dresses (if you are under 40 go look it up). That’s not the case now. Most of the boomers approaching their golden years are embracing them with gusto. Some have gone back to school. Many have started second careers. And even more are active in hobbies to the point where the hobbies have become full time jobs. I am constantly surprised when people who look 70 tell me they are 80 and going dancing at night. Who knew?

I suppose getting older is a state of mind. I know when I go out at night, the people around me are looking younger and younger. I don’t understand their jargon. I don’t twitter, whatever that is. I don’t text. My fingers are too fat. My club had a “club” night a few months ago. I thought it would be like a supper club. Silly me! The place was filled with 30 somethings doing jello shots, dancing to God knows what. It was a huge success. No wonder the Living Room went out of business.

People don’t date anymore. They hook up. And to be honest, I don’t think I would want to hook up with some of what I see out there. Last weekend in Pittsburgh, I had to stop my car when 20 young, nubile babes dressed in very little that was very tight crossed the street in front of me going to some sort of party carrying a life size, anatomically correct male rubber doll. I honked my horn and gave them a big thumbs up. And I got a thumbs up right back at me while the babes waved the rubber doll in the air and boogied their way into the hall.

Maybe it would be fun to be that age again. On the other hand, I wouldn’t get a discount a Big Jim’s, and a buck is a buck!!!! Can someone point me to the early bird special?

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