The Food Channel
We have become a nation of foodies. We all love to eat and cook at home. The Food Channel is filled with celebrity chefs making money showing us how “easy” it is to cook and entertain. We run to the Viking store and buy $10,000.00 stoves to place in between our Sub-Zero refrigerators and marble counter tops over which hang racks of expensive pots and pans. We can grill in or grill out, eating off earth toned dishes that are every bit as expensive as the Lenox place settings for which our parents forced us to register when we got married 35 years ago, and we use regularly once every 5 years. And we all need one of those $180.00 knives to make our lives complete. Oh yes, don’t forget 50 different varieties of martini glasses. And after we buy all of this stuff, and spend our weekends praying at the foodie temples of Williams Sonoma and the Pottery Barn, we eat out 5 nights per week.
I have to admit, I do watch the Food Channel. There is Paula Dean, that ripe southern fruit with the grizzled husband, throwing heavy cream and butter into those 50 year old recipes from the Joy of Cooking. She gets paid to show us how to make macaroni and cheese. Do I really want to see here snuggled up with that old guy in bed then cooking him an omelet in her pajamas? And that accent. Puh-leez. What is that noise she makes? “Uoooouulll”, or “uoooooruuul” or “euuuuhell”. I think she is trying to say “oil”. Have some grits, y’all.
Then there is Giada DeLaurentiis. Doesn't her bo-soom always look like it is ready to pop right out into the mascarpone? R-r-r-r-regggggggiannnnnno Par-r-r-r-messsssiannno. What is that? I use that Kraft stuff in the green container. I wish she would quit rolling her R’s and speak American. For a skinny babe, she sure does a lot of tasting. And she always says to use “fresh” ground pepper. As opposed to not fresh ground pepper? You mean I can’t use that stuff in the McCormick can we keep in the cupboard with all of the other pre-ground spices? God forbid, I don’t grate my own nutmeg, and I am afraid to buy that fresh ginger stuff she pulls out. It looks like it would give me warts. I do know that if I roll a lemon, the lemon juice will squeeze out easier. But what about that reconstituted stuff that comes in the green bottle and I keep in my refrigerator? All I have to do is shake it and pour. One last request, please quit telling me about al dente. Maybe I want my pasta squishy, like my green beans.
How about The Barefoot Contessa, Ina Garten. There is a piece of work. She is always cooking for the dorky husband of hers who sometimes shows up, and then sometimes doesn’t. Don’t you wonder why he misses her parties? Could it be because she is always cooking for her “friends”, none of whom appear to be straight? Not that there's anything wrong with that. Where DOES she find these people? In the Hamptons, of course. Makes me want to move there, yes-siree.
And all of these people cook with this grin on their face. There is a name for that kind of grin, but I can’t use it here. Nobody can be that happy chopping onions or smashing garlic.
The good thing about these shows is that they are on during dinner time. Gives me something to watch when I stop at Wendy’s for a chili and single with cheese and mustard (the bright yellow kind in the squeeze bottle). I can plop my bag right onto the TV stand and dig in. Pomme Frittes, anyone?
I have to admit, I do watch the Food Channel. There is Paula Dean, that ripe southern fruit with the grizzled husband, throwing heavy cream and butter into those 50 year old recipes from the Joy of Cooking. She gets paid to show us how to make macaroni and cheese. Do I really want to see here snuggled up with that old guy in bed then cooking him an omelet in her pajamas? And that accent. Puh-leez. What is that noise she makes? “Uoooouulll”, or “uoooooruuul” or “euuuuhell”. I think she is trying to say “oil”. Have some grits, y’all.
Then there is Giada DeLaurentiis. Doesn't her bo-soom always look like it is ready to pop right out into the mascarpone? R-r-r-r-regggggggiannnnnno Par-r-r-r-messsssiannno. What is that? I use that Kraft stuff in the green container. I wish she would quit rolling her R’s and speak American. For a skinny babe, she sure does a lot of tasting. And she always says to use “fresh” ground pepper. As opposed to not fresh ground pepper? You mean I can’t use that stuff in the McCormick can we keep in the cupboard with all of the other pre-ground spices? God forbid, I don’t grate my own nutmeg, and I am afraid to buy that fresh ginger stuff she pulls out. It looks like it would give me warts. I do know that if I roll a lemon, the lemon juice will squeeze out easier. But what about that reconstituted stuff that comes in the green bottle and I keep in my refrigerator? All I have to do is shake it and pour. One last request, please quit telling me about al dente. Maybe I want my pasta squishy, like my green beans.
How about The Barefoot Contessa, Ina Garten. There is a piece of work. She is always cooking for the dorky husband of hers who sometimes shows up, and then sometimes doesn’t. Don’t you wonder why he misses her parties? Could it be because she is always cooking for her “friends”, none of whom appear to be straight? Not that there's anything wrong with that. Where DOES she find these people? In the Hamptons, of course. Makes me want to move there, yes-siree.
And all of these people cook with this grin on their face. There is a name for that kind of grin, but I can’t use it here. Nobody can be that happy chopping onions or smashing garlic.
The good thing about these shows is that they are on during dinner time. Gives me something to watch when I stop at Wendy’s for a chili and single with cheese and mustard (the bright yellow kind in the squeeze bottle). I can plop my bag right onto the TV stand and dig in. Pomme Frittes, anyone?
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