Booby Muffins
I have written numerous times about the vast wasteland of television. 250 channels and nothing to watch unless you are a Law and Order fan, followed by any of the CSI series: New York, Las Vegas, or Miami. Sometimes in desperation I watch Home Shopping. Colleen Lopez is easy to look at, and can sell a snowball to an Eskimo. Joan Rivers or Suzanne Sommers shows up from time to time to hock their jewelry, and both of them need to sell what they can before HSN or QVC goes to High Definition. If that is how they look in analog, I hate to think about how much additional makeup they will need for digital.
Even for a news junkie like me, even I occasionally have to turn off the talking heads and seek refuge. Because food is one of my great passions, I often times turn to the Food Network. When I was small, my experience with cooking shows was Kitchen Corner with Marjorie Mariner. I can still see the salad tossing intro and hear the tatatatatatatata music like it was yesterday. My Dad’s mother couldn’t boil water, but would appear from time to time on the show with her kolachi baking neighbor just to add to the conversation. No one could shrug their shoulders like my grandmother.
Then came public television’s first big star, Julia Child. Her Bon Appetite and warbley voice brought French cooking to the masses, and showed that one can screw up a béchamel sauce and still survive until tomorrow. She was a great host, but let’s get real. She was a walking definition of frumpy. Even when she was young, she was everybody’s grandmother.
Then along came the Food Network, and with Emeril Lagassi, showed that cooking can be fun, entertaining and popular. Foodies and chefs, particularly male chefs, were becoming entertainment stars with television shows and restaurants popping up all over the place. The women were also popping out all over, only they were popping something else, and I don’t mean turnovers.
The Food Network soon learned that while food sells, food plus sex sells more; hence the advent of the booby muffins. These are muffins baked by the sexy Food Network ladies as they lovingly bend over their muffin tins exposing their 2 cup cleavage for all the world to see. Not only do some of these baker babes display their full bags of flour, they make really yummy sounds while adding a pinch of this and dash of that. Mmmmm. Ahhhhh. Ohhhh. One night while surfing the channels, I had to figure out whether I was watching The Food Network or HBO’s Real Sex. I remember there was one with some chocolate sauce…but that’s another story.
The other day I watched some British food babe get paid good money to make a “two potato mash.” I’ll give her a two potato mash…the only things getting mashed were under her ultra tight sweater. It obviously wasn’t her skill that got her the job. They actually paid her to make mashed potatoes. Perhaps it was her sparkling commentary. As she stood over the cooking pot she would utter phrases like, “one brings the water to a smoldering boil so that the little bubbles erupt around those round, plump potatoes.” Then she climbed into bed with her to mousy kids to eat bread and milk….Mmmmmm, Ahhh. I swear I was going to call child protective services.
Of course, the queen of booby muffins is Giada De Laurentis. She has single handedly filled all of my wife’s home economics cooking class with horny adolescents, mostly boys, who continually ask to watch the Giada tapes. No one can fricassee like Giada. Her blouse is usually opened one too many buttons, as she dips, coats, dips, then francaises. If you are lucky, you will tune into her trip to Italy program in which she flambe’s around the pool in Tuscany feeding whatever to whomever, but it doesn’t make any difference because she ain’t wearin’ a whole hell of a lot.
So next time you are perusing the channels, how about a little food porn?? Who’d have thought a bubbling pot could be so much fun!!
Even for a news junkie like me, even I occasionally have to turn off the talking heads and seek refuge. Because food is one of my great passions, I often times turn to the Food Network. When I was small, my experience with cooking shows was Kitchen Corner with Marjorie Mariner. I can still see the salad tossing intro and hear the tatatatatatatata music like it was yesterday. My Dad’s mother couldn’t boil water, but would appear from time to time on the show with her kolachi baking neighbor just to add to the conversation. No one could shrug their shoulders like my grandmother.
Then came public television’s first big star, Julia Child. Her Bon Appetite and warbley voice brought French cooking to the masses, and showed that one can screw up a béchamel sauce and still survive until tomorrow. She was a great host, but let’s get real. She was a walking definition of frumpy. Even when she was young, she was everybody’s grandmother.
Then along came the Food Network, and with Emeril Lagassi, showed that cooking can be fun, entertaining and popular. Foodies and chefs, particularly male chefs, were becoming entertainment stars with television shows and restaurants popping up all over the place. The women were also popping out all over, only they were popping something else, and I don’t mean turnovers.
The Food Network soon learned that while food sells, food plus sex sells more; hence the advent of the booby muffins. These are muffins baked by the sexy Food Network ladies as they lovingly bend over their muffin tins exposing their 2 cup cleavage for all the world to see. Not only do some of these baker babes display their full bags of flour, they make really yummy sounds while adding a pinch of this and dash of that. Mmmmm. Ahhhhh. Ohhhh. One night while surfing the channels, I had to figure out whether I was watching The Food Network or HBO’s Real Sex. I remember there was one with some chocolate sauce…but that’s another story.
The other day I watched some British food babe get paid good money to make a “two potato mash.” I’ll give her a two potato mash…the only things getting mashed were under her ultra tight sweater. It obviously wasn’t her skill that got her the job. They actually paid her to make mashed potatoes. Perhaps it was her sparkling commentary. As she stood over the cooking pot she would utter phrases like, “one brings the water to a smoldering boil so that the little bubbles erupt around those round, plump potatoes.” Then she climbed into bed with her to mousy kids to eat bread and milk….Mmmmmm, Ahhh. I swear I was going to call child protective services.
Of course, the queen of booby muffins is Giada De Laurentis. She has single handedly filled all of my wife’s home economics cooking class with horny adolescents, mostly boys, who continually ask to watch the Giada tapes. No one can fricassee like Giada. Her blouse is usually opened one too many buttons, as she dips, coats, dips, then francaises. If you are lucky, you will tune into her trip to Italy program in which she flambe’s around the pool in Tuscany feeding whatever to whomever, but it doesn’t make any difference because she ain’t wearin’ a whole hell of a lot.
So next time you are perusing the channels, how about a little food porn?? Who’d have thought a bubbling pot could be so much fun!!
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