Got Crisis?

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I was watching the news the other night and was shocked to see that we are having a rice crisis. How could that be? What will happen to my pork fried rice at the Main Moon Chinese Takeout? Apparently warehouse stores, such as Costco and Sam’s Club, in California and New Jersey have limited the amount of rice that can be purchased at one time. I’ve listened to several explanations as to how and why this happened. It had something to do with a crop failure in Asia, the falling dollar, Vietnam, ethanol, rising oil prices, and of course, global warming…always global warming.

I don’t know what to lose sleep over first. There is the sub-prime mortgage crisis, the housing crisis, the education crisis, the gas price crisis, the climate crisis, the imported drugs crisis, the imported toys crisis, the NAFTA crisis. It’s enough to make me long for the 1970’s. All we had back then was a meat crisis and toilet paper crisis. Those were easily solved by buying a New York Times in which to wrap your fish then wipe your butt. Come to think of it, I still do that today.

Then there are the politically correct liberal criseseseses: the Darfur crisis, and the Tibet crisis. Nuclear proliferation is a crisis, but not politically correct. That is a Republican crisis and the fault of the United States. Some of these are genuine criseseseses. People are dying in large numbers and it takes Hollywood celebrities, like Brad and Angelina and Richard Gere, to bring the crisis “home”. As if we don’t have enough of our own.

I have reached the point where I am afraid to turn on the television for fear of some new crisis for which I am totally unprepared. I know about the obesity crisis and the water crisis, but it’s what you don’t know that can hurt you...and we have an information crisis! What if it is something that makes me sick? I can’t get medical attention because of the health care crisis.

I would buy water to store for when the end of the world comes, but it is sold in plastic bottles, and we have a plastic bottle crisis. The plastic bottles cause cancer, and who wants to face Armageddon with carcinogenic plastic bottles. I think that is one of the four horsemen.

My biggest crisis is I don’t know the plural for crisis. Is it criseez, or criseses or criseseseses, or crisets? It’s enough to give me gas, which I guarantee you would be a major crisis for anyone standing around me. Quick, call George Clooney. Maybe he can turn Mark's gas into a UN project.