Tennis, Anyone? Confessions of a Non-Athlete

I am blessed with many talents, none of which is athletics. I watch with envy many of my friends who have excelled in various sports through the years, and the camaraderie among the participants resulting from those types of endeavors. There is something to be said for that esprit de corps, whether it was from football and basketball when we were younger, or golf and tennis now.

Not that I haven’t tried. My father, who was an avid golfer, wanted me to follow in his footsteps. He gave me lessons upon lessons, and hauled me out to the driving range and the golf courses, where I made a complete fool out of myself. He insisted on me hitting the same shot over and over and over again to the point where I dreaded those father/son outings, and really learned to hate golf. When I got to law school, several of the guys wanted to play golf. I thought I would give it another go, and I joined them. That lasted about a month. It was a disaster. They had to apply for federal loans to repair the golf course.

Same with tennis. My wife and I took tennis lessons. I was much thinner then, so I didn’t look too bad in the tennis togs. But I went broke replacing the tennis balls I continually hit over the fence. And besides, it really makes you sweat. Who needs it?

Bowling? Fugettaboutit. When I joined Rotary years ago, they thought I was a ringer because my handicap was so high and asked me to join the bowling team. Nobody could be that bad. Then they watched me bowl. Now I don’t bowl.

We even tried a non-sport sport, Bridge. It gave me such a headache. How can anyone enjoy working so hard to have fun? My mind is cluttered enough during the day without having to worry about bidding 2 spades. Is that a bid?

Oh ya!!! Let’s not forget skiing. If anyone needs a lesson in humility, try skiing. I went on a bus with a group of my friends to Ski Wisp in Maryland to ski. They have a video of me falling as I tried to get off the ski lift, then laboriously skiing down the hill wearing a bright yellow snow hat, with the little kidders swooping around me in all directions, until I fell on my ass and couldn’t get up. I looked like a grounded bumble bee. They showed the video at the regional Rotary Convention as an example of Four Way Test comedy. I should have sued, especially because they showed it after the video of another Rotarian skiing for the first time coming full speed down the mogul hill, and stopping on a dime.

I do enjoy the trappings of the sports. I enjoyed the bowling alley when I took my son to Camelot Lanes on Saturday mornings for youth league play. The snack bar had a really great breakfast. My club asked me to attend a Northeast Ohio Golf Association meeting. It was held at a major league private club in Cleveland that has hosted numerous PGA golfing events. It was almost a religious experience, seriously, seeing the memorabilia of those events showcased in the foyer and living room of the facility. This was real golf history, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't impressed, even a tad awed. My open, gaping mouth gave me away. Hanging around ski lodges can be fun, too. The fireplaces are great, and so are the toddies. Food’s not too bad, and the rustic surroundings are fun. I tried taking ski lessons at Peek ‘N Peaks across the New York border. The rides through the gorgeous, snowy countryside were worth the effort even though the lessons were…let’s just say I am banned.

If my total lack of athletic ability has taught me nothing else, it has taught me to be secure in the talents that I possess: music and writing. Fulfillment comes from many sources. That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy being with my athletically inclined friends, who more likely than not think I am a bit strange. Even I think I'm a bit strange. It just doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. Tennis, anyone?