What Does Mark Want for Christmas?

Could somebody please tell me what I want for Christmas this year? Both of my friends keep asking me what I want. I’ve got my two front teeth, although one of them has been chipped since I was 15. I also tried that doggie in the window and was allergic. If I were in a beauty pageant, I would want peace on earth.

The trouble is…I have just about everything that I need. I have a 3 year old 32” HDTV, which works perfectly fine, thank you. No, it is not a flat screen. Yes, it is heavier than all get out with a big tube in the back. But it will last forever, has no angle problems, fits nicely in the corner, and even though it 720 dpi instead of 1080 dpi, my eyes aren’t good enough to tell the difference, new glasses notwithstanding. I have a surround sound system attached to it. I don’t use it because I have to bend over to turn it on…very difficult at my age. It has a remote, but there are so many buttons I am afraid I would launch a NASA missile if I push the wrong button.

I have a car. I have a computer at home and a computer at the office. I don’t know how to use a digital camera, but my 35mm Nikon does the job just fine. I have a digital camcorder. I got that for Christmas last year. The instruction booklet was the size of War and Peace, so it is still sitting in the closet.

I am afraid to buy clothes as I intend to lose 100 lbs. according to my proposed 2009 New Year’s resolution list… so what’s the point? I have a brown and black pair of shoes which I wear for a year then throw them out. I still have two unused pairs of each boxed in my closet. I buy them by the gross for the discount. I bought this batch in 1995. I have a coat. I hate wearing coats. It has to be below 15 degrees before I haul it out. I have several jackets…a tan one, a black one, and an olive green one. Don’t need any more of those.

I could use some more socks, as mine seem to go to sock heaven when I put them in the laundry. I think I will open a dating service for single socks. And I could always use more underwear…I won’t tell you if they are boxers or briefs…even if you are interested. If you are, I will buy you a gift certificate to my therapist. Besides, nobody wants to buy me underwear for Christmas. Let’s face it. Who wants to open a package of underwear while sitting around the tree? Somehow, undies just don’t say Christmas.

I went shopping today at Best Buy. There are all sorts of things there I suppose I need and don’t know it. The DVD player I have works when I put the DVD in it. I see no purpose in getting a new cell phone when I only use about 5% of the features on the one I got. I am too old for a Playstation or an X-Box, which still cost 500 bucks. They had this little mini gizmo with an itty- biddy, teeny-tiny keyboard. My fingers are way too fat to use it, even if I could figure out what to use it for. Text messaging, I suppose. But I don’t know “text lingo”, so it would be useless to me anyway.

It gets very depressing figuring out what to tell people to get me for Christmas. On second thought, given the news from India this week, I think I will stick with the “Peace on Earth” thing. Maybe that ditzy beauty queen blonde is on to something. Wouldn’t that be great present for all of us? The girl in the picture wouldn't be too bad either!!!