Auction

Nothing is more American than a good old fashioned auction. I have attended many auctions over the years, but I viewed them as kind of a novelty, being from the city and all. I remember going to my first auction in Kalida, Ohio, when I was in law school at Ohio Northern University in Ada. This was small town America just east of the Indiana border…the heartland personified. We bought a beat up old table for a buck, and refinished it. We still use it today.

My brother used to buy a cow at an auction each year at the Canfield Fair. The poor bovine was the project of some 4-H’er, and was born to grace my brother’s dinner table as pot roast or strip steaks. He got his picture taken with the cow after he bought it. Then hung the picture in his dining room…the founder of the feast so to speak! He gave some of the meat to me. I didn’t like it. These pampered cows were 100% grain fed, and massaged. The meat had a different taste to it, and was loaded with fat. Put the burgers on the grill and the fat shot off like sparklers.

Over the past several years, auctions have risen in prominence in the United States. With the collapse of the housing market, it is difficult to sell real estate and auctions have become a more acceptable way of divesting oneself of that unwanted house. This is especially true if one is dealing with an estate. I have several friends who are auctioneers, and they state that an auction will give the true the value of anything, but especially real estate, on the day the auction is held. While I don’t particularly like auctioning off real estate, in my practice I am becoming more and more comfortable with it. It still appears a bit risky to me, but some at least some of the results I have experienced reflect the comments of my auctioneer friends.

The increase in auction activity can also be attributed to a rise in the amount of “stuff” floating around today. In my situation, I have inherited all sorts of stuff on top of what I have accumulated on my own. I have my mother’s stuff, a good portion of my grandmother’s stuff, some of my aunt’s stuff, and these folks had lots of stuff. Now we are beginning to accumulate stuff from my wife’s side of the family. My mother-in-law has lots of beautiful stuff, with “lots” being the operative word! I don't have enough space for all the stuff. Quick. Call George Carlin.

Years ago my wife’s grandfather died, and the family decided to auction everything off rather than divide the stuff among them. If any of the family wanted anything, they would have to bid on it. The stuff was placed outside of this old farmhouse where they lived, in tidy little rows. Bags of goodies contained socks and underwear. It was the saddest thing I have ever seen. There, on the front yard, was an entire life laid out with strangers picking through one’s possessions like so many trinkets at Big Lots.

The story was repeated this past weekend when my wife’s family had an auction to sell the belongings of her uncle, who died with no children. But between years of doing estate work and the harsh economic practicalities of today, I have grown a little less pensive about this sort of thing. Still, I think the most one can hope for out of life is that your stuff doesn’t look too bad when they put it out on the front yard to sell. I suppose there are worse epitaphs than having some say about you: “The dude really had some great stuff!” Just so long as they get rid of the porn collection beforehand. On the other hand....

By the way, my wife bought some great stuff at her uncle’s auction. She got the “Pry” chair, a 150 year old beauty with a sordid history. She also got some great books of some historical significance. It's a bonus when you buy some good stuff at an auction.

You know the greatest things about auctions? It's the food. Hot Dogs never taste better than at an outside auction on a brisk day. Hot coffee is more enjoyable. If you go to the old fashioned country auctions, you can get some pretty good baked goods, and donuts if you are in the city. That stuff probably added ten pounds to my weight.

Wait a minute. They're going to auction that blue pot. I want it bad!!! Do I hear ten dolluhs? Going, going, gone!!!