Happy New Year...Mark Style!!

My New Year’s resolutions for 2011: I resolve to lose fifty pounds. I resolve to work out at least three times per week. I resolve not to swear. I resolve to get things done when they are supposed to be done. I resolve to be nice to ALL of my relatives. I resolve to clean out my drawers and my closet. I resolve to save money and not use my credit cards. I resolve not to drink so much on Friday nights.

And if you believe that, let me talk to you about some land I own in Las Vegas. Are we nuts or what? On the list of holidays, Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas are my top three. The bottom three on my list are the Fourth of July, New Year’s, New Year’s, and New Year’s again. I know that is four, but I must have forgotten to resolve last year to learn how to count.

As you can tell, I dislike New Year’s as a holiday intensely. They don’t come much more depressing. All of those glittering Christmas decorations all of a sudden look sad and shabby. The hoopla of the holiday season is over as you hit the inevitable brick wall let down. And there is more work taking down the Christmas finery…well, my wife takes it down while I watch intently. (We take down the stuff you can see on the outside of the house, and leave the lights up until spring when it is warmer).

July 4th and New Year’s are both transition holidays. As everyone is making jolly on New Year’s Eve, all I can see is another year gone by in which I failed to reach some unattainable goal I set the year before. Same goes with the Independence Day. The summer solstice is over and the days are beginning to get ever so shorter. Nothing is quieter than sitting on the back porch listening to distant fireworks. Get me some pills!!!!

The one solace has always been the college football games, and even those are screwed up. Sure, some of the bowl games are on New Years Day, but not the championship game. And this year Ohio State is playing on January 4th, I believe, suspended players and all. Speaking of which, guys…your Big Ten championship ring for a tattoo? Really?

But all bad things resolve to the good. January 2nd follows January 1st, and that is when the New Year really gets going as I forsake my guilt ridden New Year’s resolutions for another piece of chocolate cake; sit down to watch television instead of walking at the mall; squish my Christmas sweater back into my over stuffed drawers; pour myself a Jack Daniels; blow off a few of my relatives; make sure I "God Damn" the Democratic Party; and order something I don’t need from QVC trying out my new Mastercard.

Life is good; and THAT'S a Happy New Year.

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